Today was a day of frustration and sorrow and anger and faith.
My son got a call that his father died this morning.
I was on the phone finding out that his transmission in his car was dead when he came in holding his phone, his face white and eyes wide. I felt the shock run through me with the news. I told the auto service center to call me back.
I don’t have experience with death. Very few of my friends or family have died. I never hated my ex but I did hate that he left his sons to grow up without him. Now I am filled with all these emotions. Worry about finances without any future support. Worry about a car that needs work and that requires money. Worry about being strong for my youngest son who has been so hurt by his father. Worry about my oldest son who doesn’t care because as far as he is concerned, his dad already died long ago when he left us.
Worry. I can’t let Worry be my last emotion.
Worry can turn to dread.
God says in Isaiah 8:13 Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself and let him be your fear and let him be your dread and he shall be for a sanctuary. He is my sanctuary.
I can easily run ahead of the Lord in my mind, wondering how we will survive, how will we pay our bills and fix the car and in my mind I can imagine all sorts of fearful things. But there are some things I can’t imagine.
I cannot imagine the peace of the Holy Spirit.
I cannot imagine the presence of God giving me comfort. I cannot imagine him because he is not in the future my fear paints in my mind. He is here. Now. He is a present help in a time of need.
I still believe.